


The Princeton Collision

by concupiscence66



Category: Big Bang Theory, House M.D.
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-14
Updated: 2011-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:05:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concupiscence66/pseuds/concupiscence66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard ends up in the hospital while visiting his parents. We all know the best diagnostician in the New Jersey!  Written as a prompt for Big Bang Land for tbbtlenny.  Merry Christmas!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Princeton Collision

Leonard brought Sheldon 'home' for Thanksgiving. He needed to make an appearance and meet his brother Michael's fiance. While saying Sheldon was there to offer moral support was stretching the word support a bit thin, Sheldon actually enjoyed spending time at the Hofstadter homestead. The fact his now divorced parents were jointly hosting Thanksgiving was enough to give Leonard hives but Sheldon had a more positive outlook.

"My Aunt Mary and Uncle John were able to host a lovely Christmas together and he still had twelve stitches in his head from where she hit him with the shovel."

Leonard half-listened to the half-hearted conversation. His foot had fallen asleep on the plane and no amount of stomping would bring the feeling back fully. Now his hand was going numb. He accidentally knocked the bowl of corn out of Sheldon's hand as he vigorously shook his own.

"Really, Leonard, just because you can't process corn doesn't mean no one else wants..."

Sheldon appeared to be at the end of a long tunnel, and then he was gone.

 

House woke up in a bad mood. There wasn't any particular reason, just you know, life. Day after day you wake up optimistically and there's life at the foot of your bed saying, "Surprise! I still suck."

As soon as he walked in the door, there was Cuddy. Her dark eyes were flashing, her breasts heaving; she was a picture of carnality. House's heart skipped a beat.

"Cuddy, what are you yammering about?"

"I know you don't care about your career or my career or anybody's well-being but please try and pay attention," she pleaded, "The patient is Leonard Hofstadter..."

"Is he the cardiologist?"

"No, that's Leopold Hofstadter. This is his cousin. He's also the son of Beverly Hofstadter and the nephew of John, Eric, Marcus, and Ellen Hofstadter. The brother of Michael and Cassandra..."

"Wow! He is really well-connected in the Princeton area. Only an ass would take on his case and risk the lawsuit."

Cuddy did not look amused.

"This hospital is swarmed with Hofstadters," she began, "even more so than usual. We need him diagnosed and treated before one neuron is damaged in his brilliant little head. I need you to get on this."

House held out his hand for the chart. Cuddy looked surprised at his easy acquiescence. Why did everyone find him so difficult? He was a fun guy!

He quickly looked over the labs.

"Good news, it's drugs!"

"The screens were all negative."

"In that case," House feigned flipping through the chart again, "it's drugs!"

"He says no drugs. His family says no way, his roommate and best friend says no way."

"Well then..." House snapped his fingers, "I've got it! He's doing drugs but he's not telling his friends and family! What kind of world do we live in where drug addicts keep secrets? It's heartbreaking. I blame the rock and roll music."

"House. Gregory. Please."

"I'm going to talk to Dr. Hofstadter..."

"Thank you so much!"

"And find out why he's lying about taking drugs."

Leonard looked like a Hofstadter. Short, myopic and tense. He still had a full head of thick curly hair but he had the brow-beaten look on his handsome face, the back hunched with too many expectations and the OCD like tics. In Leonard's case, he couldn't stop fidgeting with his thumb; even after House smacked his hands with his cane. Leonard looked not at all surprised by House's behavior or demeanor. It was disconcerting to feel so well-understood by a stranger. House liked Leonard and that made him severely dislike Leonard.

Not as much as he disliked Leonard's roommate. The lanky boyish man had begun the conversation with a neutral tone and a non-regional dialect: As House pressed Leonard to admit to the myriad of pharmaceuticals used by his generation of geniuses, his friend became more and more agitated and his accent started getting a bit wonky.

"This is ridiculous. Leonard wouldn't take medications that were not prescribed by a professional..."

"But you could easily find a professional to diagnose you with ADD or ADHD or perhaps a sleeping disorder. Isn't that right, Lenny?" continued House, ignoring the other man.

Leonard sighed and fidgeted with his hands, "I did try Providgal in high school before my SATS. I had an allergic reaction and only got a 1200 because I was so sick..."

"You got a 1200 on your SATs!" exclaimed the lanky friend, suddenly sounding very southern.

"Yes, Sheldon, the first time I took them I only got a 1200. The POINT is, I learned my lesson about abusing prescription drugs..."

House turned on his heel and left. This was pointless. No one learned their lesson about prescription drugs.

 

"Sheldon" chased after him.

"Where are you going? You haven't asked a single relevant question that could help you to ascertain the cause of my friend's sudden onset of symptoms."

His accent was so suddenly unbearably thick that House stopped in his tracks.

"Where are you from!"

"Texas, now please try and marshal what limited powers of concentration you have..."

"Listen here, Tex, I haven't even been to my office yet. Your buddy is not the only patient in this hospital..."

"You need to help Leonard!"

House suddenly realized that he and Sheldon were roughly the same height, similar lanky builds, blue eyes, weak chin. There was one big difference, Gregory House had never been so young.

"Listen, Sheldon..."

"Dr. Cooper, thank you."

"A real doctor or a," House jerked his head towards Leonard's room, "him doctor?"

"A theoretical physicist." More than a touch of smugness with that answer.

"M-theory?"

"Yes," Dr. Cooper looked wary but impressed.

"I considered studying M-theory. Then I decided to focus on something real that actually mattered."

The expression on that fine face was apoplectic. It made House smile. It may have registered as more of a sneer.

Dr. Cooper was distracted by the buzzing from his cell phone and after a "I'm done with you!" glare, he checked his message.

"Leonard says you are being deliberately antagonistic to distract me."

"No, I just think what you do for a living is stupid."

"I know you have an addiction to prescription medications..."

"Is that what the Hofstadters of Princeton have told you?"

"No one had to tell me. I can see the pill bottle in your pocket and the glazed look in your eyes," retorted Dr. Cooper, "I also googled your ass before you arrived at the hospital."

"Your friend needs to tell us what drugs he's done..."

"I'm his best friend and his roommate of seven years. I would be the first person to know if he were on drugs!"

"No," House explained patiently, "You'd be the last person to know. Don't you watch TV? Are you too young to remember afterschool specials?"

"I know when Leonard moves his bowels. I know he plays Sarah McLachlan on his stereo when he masturbates with Nivea hand lotion. I know the name of the fellow mathlete with whom he had a homosexual encounter in middle school..."

Sheldon's cell phone buzzed.

"I know how old he was when he stopped wetting the bed AND when he started wetting the bed again..." Sheldon's voice trailed off as he checked his message, "Leonard wants me to shut the frack up."

"Did he write frack?"

Sheldon held up his phone so House could read the uncensored message.

"Write back 'OMG. GMTA. LOL!" suggested House.

"You make me want to throw my hands in the air in exasperation!" Sheldon yelled. He then threw his hands in the air in exasperation, just to show he was serious.

House looked at the chart. He would need to run some more tests. There was something tickling at the back of his brain saying "you know this one".

"Let's go talk to your friend and ask him why he isn't doing drugs if he has to live with you."

Sheldon Cooper smiled.

Then his phone buzzed again.

"Oh, Leonard has Hansen's disease."

"Did he text you that?"

"No, our friend Wolowitz."

"Is Wolowitz a doctor?"

"An engineer."

"Then what would qualify him to diagnose leprosy?" House was honestly intrigued. It may have read as condescending.

"It was his girlfriend, Bernadette, who infected Leonard. She's a microbiologist and a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory..." Sheldon looked at his phone and shook his head, "There's a good chance I have it as well. You'll want to start us on a course of antibiotics immediately. You're also going to want to alert the CDC of an impending outbreak in the Pasadena area."

House looked at the clock. He'd been in the hospital twenty minutes and he'd already knocked one out of the park. Who could blame him if he left early?


End file.
